The Essence of Infallibility: The Sequel
by SkyChasingDreamer
Summary: Gintoki has gotten nearly fatally injured and Hijikata's having a difficult time coping with his continuous recklessness.


**Title**: The Power of Fatalism: The Sequel

**Pairing**: GinHijiGin

**Rating**: T

**Disclaimer**: No

**A/N I**: A long promised sequel fic for a dear friend I love wholly and is deserving of every encouragement I can offer – Sid, FEEL MY LOVE DAMMIT /LOVES YOU ALL OVER

**A/N II**: It's called The Sequel because you should read the first one to fully understand it. You don't need to, of course, but it's well advised.

**The Essence of Infallibility:**

**The Sequel**

The rest of the ambulance ride was in agony and Gintoki passed out a second time not long after he'd woken. He was exhausted and so weakened from the blood loss that he could barely keep his hand up when he was conscious. Hijikata barked at the paramedics on hand to do something, though he was aware there was very little more they could do in the situation, and he stayed behind Gintoki the whole way. Even after they got to the hospital, Hijikata refused to leave Gintoki's side and continued doing his job through his cellphone. It was the only thing Hijikata could do to get his mind off of how unnaturally limp and lifeless Gintoki's body was.

It took some time, but in a few hours, Gintoki's surgery was finished – it was the longest three hours of Hijikata's life – and he was given a room. It wasn't an ordinary room, Hijikata wouldn't let that happen, and had all the bells and whistles including extra space for visitors. Gintoki would call the room extravagant, but Hijikata didn't give a good goddamn about that. He was currently working out of the room and he needed the some available area first for the people coming in and out to allow him to continue doing his job despite his location and second for Gintoki's motley crew.

"I'm hungry," Kagura complained as Gintoki slept on.

"There's a kitchen two floors down."

"Does it cost money?"

"Yeah," Hijikata said absently as he filled out a report, signed it, then handed it back to Yamazaki to have him deliver it where it needed to go.

"I haven't got any of that."

Hijikata was still reading something as he opened his wallet and gave Shinpachi some yen, saying, "Here."

They left and Otose walked in carrying some fresh clothes for Gintoki. Hijikata stopped reading when she entered and they shared a look and no further words were necessary concerning the situation. It was a look of mutual understanding, one that they'd shared several times before, and Hijikata tipped his head down to her a little. He'd had respect for this woman prior to his relationship with Gintoki, but after learning what she'd done for him, Hijikata's respect for her had grown to something profound.

"He'll make a fuss when he wakes," she said, setting the clothes down at the foot of the bed.

"May not hear him over the sound of myself."

Otose gave him a faint smile and held out her hand to him. "This will hopefully be of some use to you."

In her hand was a pair of cigarettes that looked handmade and he gratefully took them with a word of thanks. The first time Otose had made one of these special cigarettes for Hijikata, he hadn't known what to expect and honestly hadn't expected much. It had been a nice gesture and that was all he'd taken it for, so much so that he'd put off trying them for awhile. Well, that regret came fast and hard the moment he finally did light up – one night when he'd run out of his cigarettes and it was too nasty outside to brave the rain in order to get more. Anyway, the cigarettes she made for him rivaled Mayoboro in their splendor and since then, he always rationed and hoarded these special gifts of hers.

"Bring him home for me."

The words carried a heavy weight to them, but Hijikata knew he could handle the extra pounds.

"Of course."

She nodded and went to leave, but not without straightening out Gintoki's blanket and brushing back his hair from his face. Hijikata imagined she did that often, but always without Gintoki's knowing. Once, and only once, Gintoki had mentioned a time he'd gone to her in the night. He'd been drunk as he revealed this tale and Hijikata had listened with rapt attention since it wasn't often he admitted anything. It'd been a bad night for him, he'd said, and he'd gone to Otose's room, then sat at her door until sunrise. He'd said his bokken had rested against his shoulder and he'd sat there as he had many night before. There had been a drunken flush to his cheeks, but there was no mistaking the affection and resolve in his eyes as he'd said, _Nothing can happen to her._

Hijikata watched Gintoki's sleeping form and sighed to himself, sure more than ever that Gintoki was under the impression he owed Otose his life. Perhaps he did, Hijikata didn't know more than that little snippet Gintoki had let slip from his vault. The man was so passionate and so full of feeling, but so often he kept it hidden away. His pain, his happiness, his reservations, _everything_ was sewn up in a place no one could reach. It was only when he was desperately drunk that anything came to the surface and even then it was only glimpses of the vast endless ocean of things he kept locked away as if it were a sin against nature to let any of it see the light.

That was enough brooding, though, if Hijikata wasn't careful he'd succumb to it and it'd take him hours to fight his way back out. The situation was bad enough, he didn't need to pile on his own shit on top of it.

"The cafeteria didn't have enough food," Kagura complained when she and Shinpachi returned about a half hour after Otose left.

Hijikata offered on default, "There are restaurants around, you could go to one of those."

Kagura got in his face. "You're being really nice today, mayora, what's wrong with you?"

"Nothin'," he shoved her away, "but until the natural perm wakes up I'm the one that has to look after ya."

She sat next to him, literally right next to him so their sides were touching, and asked, "Gin-chan is going to be okay, right?"

Now, that was a difficult question to answer because yes, Hijikata _wanted _Gintoki to be okay, but he also couldn't say yes without lying. Gintoki's wounds were bad, the biggest one was fatal, and just thinking about the ambulance ride to the hospital made Hijikata feel sick to his stomach.

"He should be," Hijikata said instead. "The doctor seems to think so."

He looked at Shinpachi, who gave him a tentative smile in return, and sat down on his other side. He and Gintoki had been together so long that the kids were like his own kids as well. It wasn't uncommon for one – usually Kagura – or both of them to stop by the barracks for money or to complain about Gintoki not wanting to look for a job. Every once in a great, great while they'd come by looking for help because Gintoki wasn't himself or they were worried about him and it had taken Hijikata a long time to be worthy of so much of their trust. He didn't feel himself worthy, but he was, for once, selfish enough to want to keep Gintoki and make certain sacrifices for him.

On the contrary, Gintoki's assimilation into the Shinsengumi couldn't have gone more smoothy. The faction respected him and welcomed him, most of them probably thought he was doing Hijikata some kind of good. Kondo was as proud as ever and Sougo, naturally, had taken to teasing them while also sticking to Gintoki like glue. Hijikata almost _hated_ how well the sadists had gotten on even more than before, but seeing Gintoki so easily fill in the cracks of his life had given him strength in a way he hadn't been prepared for. Gintoki _was_ definitely good for him and it had taken them both a long time to get to the level of comfort that they were.

Having Gintoki wounded so badly and unconscious on the bed was too upsetting for words.

Within an hour, Kagura's head was resting on Hijikata's shoulder as she stole a quick nap. He read his paperwork in silence, refusing to jostle her even the slightest bit when turning his pages, and Shinpachi continued a quiet vigil on his other side. Every once in awhile Shinpachi would get up and check on Gintoki, then ask if Hijikata needed anything, but for the most part, they were all in their own worlds. Hijikata in the world of paperwork, Shinpachi in his own thoughts, and Kagura in dream land.

Gintoki slept on and Hijikata found himself watching even though he should have continued working. He'd just glance up just to check on him and then not be able to look away. He was currently staring, his eyes on the too pale pallor of his face and, for comfort, Hijikata would focus on each gentle breath Gintoki took. Whatever sedatives he'd been given were working because he slept soundly and deeply, the only sign of any dreaming was the occasional twitch of a finger.

"Hijikata-san?"

"Mm?"

Shinpachi was staring at Gintoki too. "He'll be okay."

"It's beginnin' to seem that way." He wrestled with the unease in his stomach and felt it come up like bile. "It should be me in that bed."

He hadn't meant for that admission to slip out, but since the kids trusted him, he'd found himself trusting them as well. Not even by choice, it was just something that _happened_, like he owed them for their trust and it was a way of showing that he'd take care of their feelings.

"I feel that way sometimes when things like this happen."

"No," Hijikata shook his head and his expression was stricken, "it should really be me in that bed. Dumbass got in the way and took my place."

A hand rested on Hijikata's back then and for a time, nothing was said. They both just sat and watched Gintoki while an inexplicable lump rose in Hijikata's throat. Shinpachi's head leaned against him for a few minutes and Gintoki really was raising a couple of really great kids, it wasn't he first time Hijikata had thought that. Once they'd accepted him and after they'd all gotten used to each other, it was hard for Hijikata to picture a life with Gintoki without them.

He'd begun to care for them, in a different way he cared for Gintoki, of course. Kagura was like having a little Sougo hellion around, there seemed to be no end to her energy, and Shinpachi was both smart and skilled. Gintoki had boasted about them both, but the things Gintoki had said didn't present themselves until after Hijikata had gotten to _really_ know them.

"I know how you feel," Shinpachi said and Hijikata had no doubts that he did.

Hijikata still felt awkward around them a lot of times, but he was getting better at it. Just seeing the way Gintoki looked at him when he tried was enough to get him to keep trying. At first it hadn't meant anything to him whether the kids liked him or not, all he wanted was Gintoki and that was it. Well, it turned out that when a person cared about another enough, the people that were important to that person became important to them as well. It made sense, but Hijikata hadn't thought such a thing would extend to himself.

Yet now he had a kid on each shoulder and he cared for them in a way that terrified him. Being with Gintoki was even more terrifying, but on a whole different level because Gintoki was stamped and labeled a very dangerous word: _Permanent_. The kids would come and go, get older, make their own lives, but Gintoki's life and Hijikata's had started building themselves together some time ago. Gintoki was so permanent that if he were to suddenly disappear, a giant hole would be lambasted into Hijikata's life. Hijikata had become a stupid man over the years and dared sometimes to think he'd get to have Gintoki, that he'd already paid the price of his sins in losing a lover and this one was his to truly keep. However, it was incidences like these that Hijikata's stupid little fantasy came crashing down into a massive cruel heap.

"If it _were_ you, though," Shinpachi continued after a bit, his head no longer on Hijikata's shoulder, "well, you know how he'd be."

Hijikata snorted and he had to bite back the bitter words flooding his throat. He knew all too well what Gintoki would be like because the man was an absolute idiot. Were their places reversed, Gintoki would just be blaming himself and taking it out on himself in some destructive way or another. It wouldn't even really matter if Hijikata recovered just fine, Gintoki would hold that blame against himself and continue to punish and punish regardless if he was forgiven or somehow redeemed. Hijikata didn't know where that terrible habit had started, though he could guess, but it was such a difficult thing to try and get Gintoki to unlearn.

A groan from the bed made Hijikata's heart jump and Kagura was the first to spring to her feet – talk about reaction time. Gintoki winced as he opened his eyes, but stilled when Kagura flounced over to the bed and stared him down.

"What did mother tell you about worrying her?"

Gintoki blinked. "To not to."

"That's right! But here you are, going against mother's wishes!"

It was a good sign that Gintoki was able to banter with her so soon and Hijikata silently left them to it as Shinpachi joined in. He still didn't feel he had a place in those squabbles and he needed to go alert that doctor that Gintoki was awake. Also, moving helped him burn off some steam. He was still very livid and seeing Gintoki wake up, well... the only thing that had muted Hijikata's knee jerk reaction was that the kids were there. He didn't want to blow up at Gintoki in front of them and he knew his emotions were more raw at the moment, stuff like that was for Gintoki only. He didn't feel safe or comfortable being so open in front of others, that had always been the case with him, and it didn't matter if they were the kids or not.

Telling the person at the front desk that Gintoki was awake, Hijikata retreated back to the room, but not without procrastinating via having a smoke, chugging a beer he got while out on said smoke, having another smoke, and... going to the mess to get Gintoki some pudding. From experience, Hijikata knew Gintoki would refuse any other hospital food and a lot of times even refused the pudding because it wasn't _good _pudding – he'd referenced jail pudding being the best once – but it was the most likely thing Hijikata would be able to get him to eat if push came to shove.

Nurses were already in the room by the time Hijikata got there and he sat down to do some paperwork while everything else went on. He listened intently to what the nurses had to say and when the doctor came in, Hijikata pretty much ignored his paperwork altogether. The kids did the hovering and asked a bunch of questions, some of which didn't have to do with Gintoki at all. For example, Kagura wanted to know how many regular humans it would take to crush a person's skull. Shinpachi, such a smart boy – and clever at that – asked questions that were more in the interest of Gintoki and he absorbed the information, Hijikata didn't think it likely that he'd forget it in case something like this happened again. He asked about wound dressings and a little about the best kind of tourniquets to make and what to make them out of given that a medical kit wasn't provided.

Eventually though, the doctor had to leave on other matters, but granted Hijikata audience in the hall at his behest. It was a short conversation that basically reiterated what Hijikata had been told during the surgery, but the doctor was much more optimistic and sure of Gintoki's recovery. The stitches were holding, his vitals were stable and the numbers were good, and the wound looked healthy, not like it was beginning to form an infection. Hijikata thanked him when they were done, then returned to the room where Shinpachi was chewing Gintoki out for worrying them. Kagura was nodding in agreement and chiming in from time to time, but she was mostly preoccupied with playing with Gintoki's partially bandaged hand.

Hijikata refused to look at Gintoki as he sat down and resolutely picked up his stack of papers again. He started in on them and while, yes, he was still listening, he was multitasking with getting some work done. Some of the Shinsengumi, always one at a time, came in over the next hour. They were just delivering some things, gathering Hijikata's signature when it was required, and running a few of Hijikata's errands for him. The kids stayed and talked to Gintoki the whole time since he wasn't having too much of a problem staying away and to anyone else looked to be his usual childish self.

Hijikata only ground his teeth and continued in his silence.

"They're gone." Gintoki said and only continued when Hijikata still didn't say anything, "You can speak now."

"I know what I can and can't do."

"Shit... you're really pissed."

"Don't tell me what I am."

"Then look at me and tell me you're not pissed."

Hijikata looked up and while he'd been relatively manageable before, the second he actually looked at Gintoki, he was absolutely furious and livid all over again. Seeing him reclined in bed, still too pale, still too injured, still too stupid to see how what he did wasn't what should have happened, it infuriated Hijikata tenfold.

"You moron!" Hijikata exploded, it was almost a roar. "You ever do somethin' as fuckin' stupid as that ever again and I'll wallop your ass!"

"So what? Do you even know how many times I've been stabbed through the stomach? It's no big deal."

Hijikata froze. "...what?"

"You didn't hear me?

"I heard you."

"Okay. Why's your face all red then?"

"Because you're a fuckin' dumbass!" Hijikata burst, on his feet and pacing. "No, I don't know how many times you've been stabbed through your stupid sugar addled stomach and I don't fuckin' wanna know, you stupid, _stupid _idiot! God," he threw a hand up, "I wanna punch you in your stupid goddamn face! _I_ should be the one in that bed, not you!"

"Now who's being stupid?" Gintoki's face softened. "C'mere and sit with me."

"No! I don't wanna be anywhere near you, asshole!"

"Yeah, yeah, could you just sit with me for awhile? You're startin' to give me a headache."

Hijikata stopped pacing at the foot of the bed and grabbed the end of it with both hands. "You don't get it! You _never _get it! You think it's okay things turned out the way they did, you don't give it a second thought! You think that so long as you're the one in the bed that things happened the way they should've and that's _wrong_!"

Gintoki's face was blank, it was a look Hijikata was all too familiar with to a sickening level. Whatever Gintoki was thinking, whatever he was feeling, he wasn't going to let it show. This was his facade, his way of masking everything and hiding it somewhere dark where Hijikata couldn't reach him anymore. It was the signal of the end of the conversation, he knew, Gintoki wouldn't provide anything else and he was stubborn enough that his mind wouldn't change. Gintoki was so bullheaded, the barriers he put himself behind were basically impenetrable and Hijikata had yet to find a way through, under, around, or over those defenses – though, that didn't stop him from trying.

Gintoki was worth trying for.

"I still got more to yell at ya about."

"Can it wait?" Gintoki asked and he suddenly sounded exhausted, the front he'd kept up with the kids was wearing off. "I just want ya to sit with me."

Hijikata was glaring so hard, but when Gintoki gently patted the bed and smoothed out the spot, spending an extra second on a stubborn wrinkle in the fabric, Hijikata relented. He huffed and puffed to let Gintoki know he was still pissed off in a huge way, but the way Gintoki smiled when he stepped closer was too _sweet_. Way too sweet, ridiculously sweet, like, lay off the sugar for a decade sweet. Hijikata sat down with a great big sigh and Gintoki moved his legs over a little to make more room, which wasn't necessary.

"You can get a _little_ closer." Gintoki plucked at Hijikata's jacket. "Looks to me like there's a spot," he looked directly next to him and feigned surprise, "oh! Right here next to me! And it's about your size, too."

"You're the worst," Hijikata said and smacked Gintoki's hand from plucking at his jacket some more.

He was already obliging by moving closer, his heart just wasn't in staying away from Gintoki any longer. He was angry still, but more than anything he just wanted to be selfish for awhile and feel Gintoki's warmth against him. So, he sidled right up to Gintoki until he could smell his musk even through the scent of medical supplies and he was glad the IV was on the other side, that thing kind of freaked him out. Just the idea of something constantly being _inside_ Gintoki's arm put that same bad taste in his mouth.

"Got any pudding?"

Hijikata smirked and handed over the few cups he'd grabbed to a man who at his age shouldn't be puttering so enthusiastically. It was good Gintoki even had an appetite and Hijikata sighed again as Gintoki started eating with a spoon that had been on his small counter next to him. Relieved, Hijikata brushed Gintoki's bangs back and kissed his brow, his lips lingering several seconds before he added a quicker second kiss.

"I'm so mad at you I could rip you're stupid hair out."

"You've been using the word stupid a lot."

"Easy to imagine why."

"I'm not sorry."

"I don't expect you would be."

Gintoki continued eating, saying between bites, "I'd do it again if I had the chance."

"I know." Hijikata rested his head against Gintoki's. "Eat your stupid puddin'."

"With my stupid spoon."

Hijikata pinched him on his arm. "Don't mock me."

"I'm not."

"You are."

"Maybe a little... take me to the apartment?"

"Not a chance."

"But I wanna go."

"M'sure ya do, but the answer's still no."

Gintoki turned his head up and pouted. "But I don't wanna stay here. You know I won't sleep good."

"Shoulda thought about that before ya did what ya did."

"Are you gonna stay?" Gintoki asked, the subject change abrupt and obvious.

Hijikata raised a brow at him. "Does it look like I'm goin' anywhere?"

"Just wondering."

Hijikata let Gintoki lean his head on his shoulder, his breathing uneven, but the sound wasn't worrying. He ate all the pudding until it was gone and by then it was like all the energy he'd been pretending to have swept right out of him. He didn't try to hide his exhaustion from Hijikata and lean more heavily against him, a hand curled on the hem of Hijikata's jacket.

"Can't sleep," Gintoki said after awhile.

"I could call the nurse," Hijikata replied against Gintoki's temple, "she could give you some more meds."

"When do I ever want that?"

"Maybe you should try somethin' different this time." He sighed and his nose twitched because of all the permy hairs tickling his face. "You don't gotta make it so hard on yourself all the time."

"I don't want it," Gintoki repeated. "Bust me outta here."

"No." Gintoki whined and Hijikata took a deep breath. "Maybe tomorrow."

"But that's so far away..."

"You don't even look strong enough to make it there, asshole."

"I could! I've got you to help me, so I'd make it!"

"You're not gonna change my mind." Hijikata slipped his arm more comfortably around Gintoki. "I'd feel better if you stayed."

Gintoki didn't say anything to that and instead, he nosed his way toward Hijikata's neck. Hijikata kicked his shoes off, then put his legs all the way up and he had no intention of moving until his bladder reached a point where it was either get up and piss or suffer the consequences. After such a long day... night? However long it had been, Hijikata was fully drained and totally tapped out. He wanted to tell Gintoki never to do that again, but really, that was just asking him to be someone other than himself, which would do nothing. Gintoki only knew how to be himself and that was what Hijikata lo – really liked him for, but when shit like this happened, it was beyond stressful.

He wasn't kidding when he said he was terrified of what Gintoki meant to him.

"There's a hole in your sock," Gintoki noted with a light huff that spilled a faint gust of air over Hijikata's neck.

Hijikata wriggled his toes where the small hole allowed the top of his big toe to be seen. It reminded him that he hadn't had time for a shower to clean off all the dirt and grime, thus leading him to wonder if it was even sanitary for him to be laying with Gintoki like this. He figured the bandages were enough to keep him from infecting anything and he really didn't think Gintoki was going to allow him to move anyway.

"I'm still pissed at you."

"You're here to remind me so I won't forget."

"I'm not kiddin'."

"Neither am I." Gintoki shifted just slightly and Hijikata felt him wince before going still. "I'll let you yell at me all you want later."

"Yellin' isn't gonna do a damn thing if ya don't actually _listen _for once."

Gintoki kissed Hijikata's neck. "You'll just have to make me listen, won't you?"

To that, Hijikata frowned and nuzzled his head against Gintoki's. No one could make Gintoki listen to anything he didn't want to hear, Gintoki was just running the topic on a tactful circle to avoid any form of commitment.

"Just..." Hijikata brushed his lips to Gintoki's skin and closed his eyes, "focus on gettin' better for now."

In the meantime, Hijikata was going to think up a way, a _better_ way, to try and get through to Gintoki. It was going to be a long night, Hijikata knew without a doubt it would be, but he was prepared for it. Gintoki had stayed up with him many nights as it was, but that was just something they _did _for each other and not out of obligation. It was what felt right, it was natural to be with Gintoki, and after something so shocking, Hijikata relished the time impossibly more.

"Will you take me for parfait tomorrow?"

"You don't need a goddamn parfait."

"But I'm crav –" he broke off in a yawn, "–ing it!"

"After your bullshit today you'll be lucky if I ever buy you parfait again!"

"This isn't helping me feel better!"

"Tough shit! You brought this on yourself!"

"Asshole! I bled my own blood for you and you won't agree to gettin' me a parfait? Nurse! There's some serious neglect goin' on here!"

"Shut up! Don't bother her with somethin' so stupid!"

"Parfait isn't stupid, you're stupid!"

It was definitely going to be a long night, but as Gintoki harrumphed and shoved his face back onto Hijikata's neck, there was nowhere else Hijikata would rather be.

**The End**


End file.
